It was only when I started sincerely practicing the last three Steps that I realized my life had always been The Johnny Show. Every day when I awoke the credits would start to run -- The Johnny Show, starring Johnny. Written and produced by Johnny. Directed, needless to say, by Johnny. Of course, there were guest stars each day, but the audience (which was also Johnny) wasn't much interested in what happened to them. No, the real focus was on Johnny.

Most of us are ready to admit that this is the way we led our lives before we came into Program. What can be frightening is the realization after years in recovery that we're continuing to do the same thing. It certainly came as a considerable shock to me that I was still pursuing my own agenda, still the most important thing in my life, still the only thing that really counted. But what brought this so forcibly to my attention was that it was ceasing more and more to work for me. I told people I was happy in recovery, but the truth is that I wasn't. My fifteen-plus years had begun to turn gray. What woke me up one day was the fear that they might turn to an even darker color -- to black.

So I've turned my attention to the last three Steps. I meditate at length in addition to prayer. I practice to the best of my ability Step 10 by watching myself, my feelings and my motives whenever I can. And I attempt to live this way of life in all my affairs and to share when I can what it is that I've changed.

In other words, I got off the stage. It wasn't much fun being up there anyway -- I was never able to be myself. I like being ordinary again. I like that quote of Abraham Lincoln's -- "God must love the common man, because He made so many of them."