The Gospels of the New Testament can be irritatingly vague on certain details about which you'd think they should agree. A major example is the day of the week on which Jesus died, which for some odd reason is different in John from what it is in Mark, Matthew, and Luke. Another difference is the death of Judas Iscariot, the man who betrayed Jesus with a kiss. One evangelist reports that Judas simply fell down and "all his bowels gushed out." Another tells us that Judas hanged himself.

It can be very comfortable to place ourselves at a good long distance from Judas and then tell ourselves what a very bad lot he must have been. But when we examine his story with more care, Judas starts to look worryingly familiar. For example, he is said to have betrayed Jesus by kissing him, so that the Jews and the Romans would know who Jesus was. But that makes no sense at all. The Jews and the Romans knew only too well who Jesus was -- they didn't need Judas or anyone else to tell them. So why the kiss?

It's been plausibly suggested that Judas was a member of a group who looked eagerly for the coming of the Messiah. Under this view, Judas -- far from wanting to bring about the death of Jesus -- had instead become impatient that this obvious Messiah seemed to be delaying so long. So if Judas could give Jesus a little push, perhaps some truly Messianic action would result. Now Judas's kiss becomes, not a matter of betrayal, but an expression of love and hope for the Messiah in whom Judas so fervently believed.

Oh dear -- just like us. Until we truly accept Step 11, we too are able to see all too clearly just what it is that God should do -- in fact, we keep telling him incessantly in our prayers what he ought to do. Like Judas, we believe most sincerely that we love God -- but we'd love him a little bit more if only he'd pull himself together and do what we think he should do. And when God fails to come through with the goods -- as he failed to do with Judas -- we have two options. The one is to destroy ourselves, as Judas did, by returning to the misery of our addiction. The other is to practice Step 11, to remind ourselves that our recovery is based on God's will, not on ours.